Home 6 Yours Footbally 6 Dear Coutinho, never behave like the English boys

Dear Coutinho, never behave like the English boys

Dear Coutinho,

Welcome to the club of clubs. The journey to acquire you has been quite a rugged but focused one. We’d wanted you, wanted you some more, lost hope, then wanted you again, then switched desire for others, then back to you again.
Yeah, we told ourselves, ‘if we can’t get you, let’s get Mahrez or Dybala’.
We needed to forget our inability to nab you from Liverpool, so much, that we started thinking towards funny lines:

Enemy lines. You can’t imagine we played with the idea of having Isco. Then settled with Chelsea’s Hazard. A player we have most of the times laughed at. Not our fault though, when his fans started comparing him to Messi, what were we suppose to do? We could either laugh at their insanity or cry for their myopia. We chose the former.
Unthinkable lines. We, or should I say me, thought about signing Mahrez + Dybala + Mbappe! All three with the money from PSG for Neymar. I’d reason the 3 equates your value. Truth is when I saw Mbappe in PSG’s colors, I repented. You may not be as good as Mbappe. 
Now that you are here, there’s hope that you could catch up and surpass Mbappe. And you will. How do I know? When Neymar wore the Barca jersey, he was transformed. Your case won’t be different.
May your days in Barca not end like that of your countryman. Whom we expected to inherit the King’s throne. But chose to inherit the King’s ‘pocket’ instead.

I’ll pray for you. And also send your name to MFM. May the Brazilian Curse that followed the great players of your country not see you. I would have asked you to come to MFM for deliverance but that will be very risky. 
We may send you there now and the next news will be how MFM paid the release clause for you to play for MFM FC. We can’t afford these risks. MFM has the financial and spiritual power to make you their player. 
So instead of sending you to my dearest papa, Dr. D.K Olukoya. I will send you to Woli Arole. He’s a comic prophet. An encounter with him could help you ease the tension. 
Yeah, I know it’s been too much stress for you. I know how you did everything humanly possible to make the first transfer window, but your former club refused to let you go. I know that feeling. As a young amateur footballer in Ojo Military Cantonment (Officer’s Village), I remember being in such situations many times.

I, fondly called potatoe, for my amazing football skills, then in officer’s village always was prevented to go play street football by my dear uncle. My uncle wanted me to spend my spare time reading, but I wanted to kick the ball. At times, I went against the ‘order’ to go play (Let’s not describe the kind of beaten I got after going against the other here). So trust me, I understand what you must have passed through. 

As if that was not enough, that boy who’s not worthy to tie your shoelace, Neymar, would advise you not to go after your Barca-dreams. Do me a favor, now that you have listened to your good instinct and join the greatest club ever instituted, call Neymar and ask him ‘why?’.
Why would he be so selfish? After he came to taste greatness from the club of greatness, he wants to deny you the experience. Before he came to Barca, you were the prince of Brazillian football. As soon as he got to Spain, we made him the prince and that demoted you. Now you have come to drink from the pot of champions and alas! You will be way bigger than the Prince. You will inherit the throne. 
Just be cool-headed as you are. For no reason should you think of overthrowing Messi. He’s the god. You already have a throne…left by Xavi. Sit on that throne with all thy grace. And in small time we will prepare the Messi throne for you. Just be humble.
I hear you have three weeks injury. Thats a good one. The best players that went on to do great things in Barca colors all have one thing in common: they came to Barca with a defect. Messi had sick legs and had to undergo series of treatment, Ronaldinho had a bad tooth that needed some dentist attention before he was passed fit, Suarez had a bitting habit that earned him some suspension until he was cured. 
When Dembele came to Barca with perfection, no ban, no injury, good legs…I started doubting his greatness. But thank God, after three matches he restarted his career with us, injured.

So you are in order. The best way to spend the three weeks healing break for you is this: Go and rehearse how to celebrate trophies. Here we win trophies. You stayed five years in Liverpool and didn’t lift a ‘spoon’, not to talk of any CUP. 
Here, you will win and get tired of winning. We use to have a goalkeeper, he was with us for years. He won everything. He wasn’t the best. He was just an average keeper. We spoilt his head with trophies that he got tired. One day he retired and went to EPL. He needed to experience the other side so that when footballers who haven’t won anything are talking, he would be able to relate.
Aside Messi’s throne another temptation you must turn your eyes from is Shakira’s waist. We didn’t buy Adam Lallana because we know the English players have the bad habit of sleeping with their team mate’s wives.  We remember Terry here.
So don’t be a Terry. In Barca our boys are responsible. Thank God, you are married with a kid. I also like the fact that your wife is namesake to Tuface Idibia’s wife. So love only your Annie. Expect more letters from me.


Tell Annie, when I come to visit I will bring a gift. Not for her. For her younger sister. I figure her sister is as pretty as she is. 

Yours Footbally,




PS: Your first assignment is to help chase CR7 to retirement.

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