Home 6 Yours Footbally 6 Dear Pep, take up a dance class

Dear Pep, take up a dance class

Dear Pep,
Take it easy. You and I know you could have ended the game with only 2 goals. Or 3 goals.
Your quick meeting with Domènec Torrent at the touch line after the 3rd goal had me guessing.
First guess: You were telling the Spaniard how lovely it is to punish Pochettino for ever voicing his preference to coach Madrid over Barca. So you tell Domènec, “Let’s make it 5 unreplied goals, Pochie isn’t crying yet. And just 1 goal against Conte, his face was pink-blue”.
Second guess: You had preplanned with the trio of your co-assistants, Brian Kidd, Domenec Torrent and Mikel Arteta that at 3:0 you will bring in Yaya Toure for KDB and park the bus.
Then you changed your mind and said, “Domènec, come. Fuck what we said before, I know the other guys have a soft spot for Pochie. Let’s just make it 4 goals.
“Let’s score more and teach others a lesson. That if you choose to come all out and play us, you’ll go home with a basket of goals. If you defend, you’ll go home like Conte with just a humble goal.
“If you are indecisive, like Mourinho, you wanna park bus a little and play a little. You will get two goals with a disgraceful assist from your own striker”.
Well, what can I say? You rock, keep breaking their hearts. All those haters of Tiki Taka and good football. All those Barca enemies.
They said the EPL is the most difficult league in the world. They said you are Fraudiola. Make sure they cry for all the badmouthing.
Just two seasons and you are doing what has never been done before in the so called Hard League. You have squashed a record and created your own.
Which coach has the highest number of consecutive winnings in the EPL? You!
That name is giving them ass-aches already: PEP GUARDIOLA.
I like your way and style of execution. Especially the fact that the key subject of your open formula is a Mourinho reject — KDB.
Please you must start dancing. You may need the services of Dance Instructors. I would have recommended PSquare (some twins in Nigeria who dominated the entertainment industry with magical dance steps and judicious voices) but they are no more.
So I suggest you see dance videos on YouTube. So that when you score, you burst us a move. Last season there’s nothing Conte didn’t dance. And he wasn’t this magical.
So please do it for me. Your Nigerian fan. Learn One-Corner dance. When your boys score, climb the opposition’s coach and one-cornerize. Be creative, at times, you may go under the coach or under your seat, or on top of your shade.
If you can do it against Chelsea, on the second leg, I will…
I will send a letter to Barca’s board about your return to the club of your heart. And that will happen after you have revolutionized that their yeye league.
Meanwhile I am sending Victor Moses to you this night. I have a token for you. A small gift for the good job thus far.
Its not money. I know you have all the money you can spend. It’s not food, Iheanachor says you don’t like Fufu and Eba (he told me you allowed his Man City exit because he couldn’t stop eating these food you so much dislike).
I am sending you some romantic entertainment that will ease thy stress. Some fleshy sexy Nigerian.
Not exactly a prostitute… A Bobrisky !
Yes on behalf of all lovers of good football from this part of the world. We are sending you Bobrisky. Especially because we don’t actually know your sexual preference.
If you like ladies, enjoy the ladyness of Bobrisky. If you like guys, Bobrisky has that side too.
It’s two in one. For our dear Pep.
You have earned it. Mind you, handle Bobrisky with some care and caution. Do not go Tiki-Takish or Gegenpressing on her(or him). Cos Bobrisky is expensive o. Trust you sha.
And peradventure you don’t like Bobrisky. Just tell Moses to take her/him to Isaac Promise. We’ll fix you up later. With, maybe, a proper Warri girl. I’ll discuss with Elegbete on that.
Meanwhile enjoy your well deserved conquest.
Yours Footbally ,

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About Ediale Kingsley

Ediale Kingsley is the Founding Editor of Jersey Number Twelve and Head of the Trends & Sports desk at National Daily Newspaper. He thinks he is polygamous, married to three wives; Football, Laptop and Internet. When not writing, he is writing or prepping to write. These days he is everywhere talking, filming and showing-up football and films. This National Daily trained journalist went to school to be a graduate in accounting.

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