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Dear Kelechi, Greetings from your village

Dear Kelechi,
Iheanachor what’s the matter? You have moved from Majorster City to the Lesster City yet no improvement.
Don’t say it’s your village people. Because I am writing this letter from your village. They said they have nothing on you. In fact, they said they are fed up with the regular accusations.
They aren’t happy that whenever anybody from Imo State isn’t doing well they blame it on them. They said, the only person they are ‘doing’ is Governor Okorocha.
Once upon a time, you were so promising that I sent a letter to Josep Bartomeu. I attempted a negotiation for your signing. And the reply from Barca was quite positive. They started monitoring you. But you started dropping in ratings.
You should have gone to a better Club. Leicester City already did their best. What they are yet to do is their worst. Okazaki is in the form of his life as a sub expert.
Vardy is scoring the goals on and off the pitch. He’s dating the Leicester City owner’s daughter. What are you doing?
Young boys of nowadays, they don’t learn. You are there sitting with thy full black butts on the bench when you should be using your brains.
When Mikel Obi was in Chelsea, he used his fine boy status to win the heart of a Russian girl. That act won the love of the Chelsea boss—Abramovich (the Russian billionaire).
You were in Man City, and you couldn’t date Pep Guardiola’s sister. You couldn’t date the club owners sisters. Why do you think Benzema is still in Real Madrid?
You currently earn £70,000 per week. What do you do with all the money? Can’t you travel to Spain and date Shakira’s younger sister?
That way you’ll become the Brother In-law to Pique’s wife. In another two to three years time, Pique will be Barca’s president.
You can’t just sit down there and expect magic to happen o. And don’t compare yourself to Musa. The smart boy quickly married a sweet London based Nigerian to kick off his predestined romantic retirement.
Musa came to England to have sinless sex. And lots of it. In Russia, he was all about his football. His salaries are for his wife and husband duties.
Don’t dull. Wake up. You are a Nigerian. Play soccer or else soccer will play you. You don’t want to be on the list of players that allowed soccer play them.
Soccer wanted to play Adebayo. He was wise and today he’s made sure soccer paid him wella. Soccer is playing Yaya Toure now. From glory to now leading the FA line up.
You are lucky you are from Nigeria. If you were from Spain, Brazil or Germany. You won’t have a world cup invitation. Fabregas isn’t going to the World Cup. You are lucky.
On a more serious note. All I am trying to say in polite sentences is this: take a gun to your coach and tell him, “your life or my playing time!”
Must you be a striker? How many goals are you scoring sef? Go and beg your coach to play you as a winger like Chelsea’s Victor Moses.
Run the wings, dribble asses, score free kicks, give assists, score some goals yourself.
Who’s your mentor? Don’t say Okocha. You need to adopt stubborn mentors. This your situation demands hard solutions. Adopt Ibrahimovic and Mario Balotelli’s mentorship.
Beat up the set-piece takers in Leicester City (yeah, do a Gattuso on them). You need to be the free kick taker. I can imagine what will happen to you if you keep scoring the free kicks like you did against Argentina the other day.
You must succeed o. By fire, by force. If that your coach, Mr. Puel, is misbehaving send his full name to your village people. I am telling you. They are not against you. They are for you.
They will send him spiritual fart plus sleeping disease. Anytime he wants to draw up the lineup list, he will sleep off and starts farting sucker-way-like gasses.
Everyone will stay clear of him. Then you can tiptoe into his office to write your name yourself. But while the jinx lasts you must show the world your magic.
We are counting on you. Life is not about Eba and Fufu. Guardiola told you to stop eating those kinds of food. You are a footballer stop deceiving and comparing yourself to Antony Joshua.
Joshua can eat all the Fufu in the world. He’s a boxer. In a little while now you will start growing bumbum like Serbia’s Ivanovich. You don’t want to end up like Shittu.
Eat all those terrible food over there. It’s for the best. Just use ketchup and try to enjoy it. You can eat ketchup and vegetables. Or ketchup and milk syrup. Even spread ketchup on Oranges and Bananas.
Shebi na you say you wan be footballer?
Eat like footballer o.
Yours Footbally,
PS: Take all these advice herein and let me start seeing improvement in the next game. You owe me $5000(Yes, although I was the visitor. I was the one hosting your village people. They drank palm-wine and bush-meat on my account).

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About Ediale Kingsley

Ediale Kingsley is the Founding Editor of Jersey Number Twelve and Head of the Trends & Sports desk at National Daily Newspaper. He thinks he is polygamous, married to three wives; Football, Laptop and Internet. When not writing, he is writing or prepping to write. These days he is everywhere talking, filming and showing-up football and films. This National Daily trained journalist went to school to be a graduate in accounting.

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